So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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