i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
And then he peed in my hair
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