god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
