i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
