the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
