Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
