Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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