Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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