i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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