I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
