i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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