I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
