I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
