He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
