I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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