I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
