I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize