I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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