i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
