clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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