You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize