piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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