I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
