I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
