The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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