Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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