And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
