I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
