You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
