he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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