My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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