the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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