just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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