how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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