I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize