I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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