I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
