I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize