I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize