I want to have your abortion
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
