I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
