god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
did i walk over a car last night?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
