Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
