Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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