my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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