I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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