Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
