walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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