We're like a lot better than the average bears
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
