Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Help. Why am I so naked?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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