I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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