Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
