Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
