She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
