I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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