Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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