i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Acid is not a monday night drug
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
