You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
