i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize